The day starts at 6:00 am. The alarms actually began at 4 am, and there are many of them, but they were all ignored. 6 am wins, because that’s when the rest of the family needs coffee, and though they could make it themselves, there’s a sense of disappointment, a let down, because at 6 am, I have that one job…
At this point, there is NO point to writing until the kids are off to school. This is actually ironic, because if I could have gotten up at 4 am, I would have had two solid hours of writing actually completed. Maybe even this blog post. I really don’t know, because I was unconscious.
Is everyone out of the house? Great! NOW the day officially begins. BUT NOT WITH WRITING!!! <- Caps for emphasis. It’s Yoga time, babee!!! All writer’s do yoga, right? I guess I’ve never asked other writers, but I’m going to assume so. I used to hit the gym… a couple times a week. People are impressed by writers who lift, because frankly they expect you to die any day of a heart attack from sitting at a desk all day eating donuts. Statistically… yeah its true. We’re ticking time bombs of death. My gym is currently torn apart and split between two houses, so yoga it is. Yoga is great, because it’s also a form of meditation, gets the brain ready for all that output I’ve got planned. Bonus: You can say you exercised.
Almost ready to write… but not quite. It’s a writing day, not an editing one, so it’s time to get my Hemingway on. That means “Write Drunk”. I am sure the great writers of the past had their reasons for creating this rule. I won’t argue.
Am I drunk yet? I’ve never been a good judge. But let’s say I am. That means it’s time to write!!! Ideally, this becomes a storm of thouands of words pouring from the brain onto the screen, hour after hour, as I create nothing less than another literary masterpiece.
Unideally (IT”S A WORD, DAMMIT!!!) but still okay, maybe I end up with an updated list of great book ideas that I’ll someday write. At the very least maybe I cleaned off my desk or threw the frisbee for the dog.
After all the writing is done, after the books are published, after the liquor runs dry, it’s time for becoming the bohemian socialite. There are options here, of course. I could do a book reading! This involves walking up to random people on the street and following them through stores reading passages from your favorite work until the kind store clerk politely asks you to leave. (Hint: Security is less friendly). I am 99% sure this leads to book sales, and I would encourage all writers NOT to skip this step.
I might also drink with celebrities, late into the night. This is a neat option, that will more than likely get my books turned into scripts and finally movies. You would be surprised how many celebrities hang out in a town like Buhl, Idaho. You might think the quantity rhymes with ‘Hero’. And (shrug), maybe it does. But remember, alcohol is a factor. And maybe that guy on the bar stool is a second cousin of some director guy.
Is it late into the night yet? This is where a guy starts ignoring those 4 am alarms. And this is important… learn to judge who wants to hear about your writing, and who is just humoring you so they can lure you to a cheap hotel with promises of buying a signed copy of your book when they actually just want to cut out a kidney and sell it on the black market. Fortunately, you can only mke that mistake twice, then the joke’s on them. HA!!!
Yes, the lifestyle of a writer is glamorous. And this was just a glimpse of ONE DAY! And remember… every scar tells a story.